Cleansed
by evitascarlett
Summary: An Apologize Deleted Scene. "Cleanse: to make clean, to absolve, to free from sin." Johanna Beckett wasn't sure why she had always remembered the exact definition of the word, but she knew that a sense of cleansing was what she needed now.


_Authors Note: As I've mentioned before, I have many deleted scenes from Apologize. I intended for this scene to be in the beginning of chapter 39, which of course takes place the morning and day after Bracken has been taken down. I've always kind of regretted that I cut this scene, it's a quiet piece, and for some reason it's always been special to me. I hope you will all enjoy it as well._

Cleansed – Deleted Scene 

"Cleanse: to make clean, to absolve, to free from sin." Johanna wasn't sure why she had always so clearly remembered that definition of the word. It had been a part of a vocabulary assignment, long ago when she had been a school girl. She was far from a school girl now, and yet as she sat immersed in the warm water of the deep claw foot bathtub, that definition swam back to her mind. She felt the need to be cleansed…perhaps that was why she had left the warmth of her bed to soak in a hot bath when it had been barely after seven in the morning.

There was an innate need to wash away the filth that she felt clinging to her skin; to wipe away the grime that had accumulated, the imaginary smells of a life that had gone wrong, the decay of the past. Johanna breathed deeply as she leaned her head back against the tub. Yesterday, she had been sure that this moment would never come, that she'd never see home again. She had been positive that her life would be over in one way or another. Yesterday she had faced the dragon…looked into the eyes of evilness and didn't flinch. Yesterday, her hands had held a gun…ready to pull the trigger to save her child. Yesterday, she had been ready to make a sacrifice if it meant that it would end.

Tears burned her eyes but she held them back, swallowing hard as she did so. It had ended…in a manner of speaking, it was over, the dragon slayed, her daughter saved, her homecoming secured. It was an ending fit for a fairytale…those damn fairytale images she had clung to all of her life despite the world's attempt to disabuse her of such notions.

Thirteen years, she mused, her fingers curling around the edge of the tub. She spent the last thirteen years grieving for everything she had lost; Jim, Kate, her home, her family, her friends, her job, her world…herself. She had grieved and she had worried endlessly. She had lived in an endless state of fear; fear that her loved ones would be hurt, fear that she wouldn't make it back to them…fear that it would all be ripped away just as she finally got her hand curled around what was hers again. She had come so close to losing it all for second time…so close. Johanna closed her eyes, allowing the events of the day before when desperation had forced her to take matters into her own hands, cycle through her mind. She hadn't allowed herself to feel fear while she faced off with Bracken. She had forced steel into her spine and ice into her veins. She had summed every ounce of that stubborn, cold, McKenzie courage that her father had instilled in her. She hadn't allowed herself to feel the fear of what she had done until it was over…and then in the small hours of the morning as a storm ragged, a nightmare pushed it all forward and she had laid trembling under the weight of Jim's arm as it laid across her waist. Johanna kept seeing Bracken's face in her mind, his sneer, his coldness, his words. The thought of him chilled her to the bone. He had to be one of the vilest, most evil men to ever walk the earth in her opinion. She shook her head, trying to rid herself of the image. His face faded from her mind…but the stigma remained.

For thirteen years she had felt dirty; the lies she was forced to tell had made her skin crawl. The sins of others had been a weight on her shoulders that wouldn't ease. She had lived with a constant ache deep inside her; a steel vice wrapped around her heart and soul. Seeing her tormentor being led away in handcuffs had loosened those steel bands…having Jim bring her home and tuck her into their bed had obliterated them completely, leaving her with only a lingering soreness inside. And yet she had still felt unclean…dirty…in need of cleansing. "To absolve," she whispered into the quiet; the definition of cleanse coming back to her mind. "To be free of sin."

She wanted to be free of sin…but everyone carried a few sins upon their souls, it was what made them human. What she really wanted was to be free of the sins of others…sins that didn't belong to her but she was forced to carry and live with…sins she'd have to pay for in one way or another for the rest of her life. She felt like she had paid more than enough for the sins of Bracken and his henchmen, but it wouldn't matter to some people. Some people would always make her pay the debt…but she could bear it if it meant she could be here with her family, with some semblance of her life back. But still she wanted to be free of those sins…she wanted to be absolved.

Perhaps that need came from being raised as a Catholic, Johanna thought to herself; recalling the many Sunday mornings of her childhood when she had kneeled next to her mother in prayer in the church that she had been baptized in. Her mother had always found solace in prayer, and while she herself had given up regular church attendance when she had gone to college, she had held on to her faith, and scores of prayers had tumbled from her lips through the years, multiplying with each day lately, as the tension grew and the danger neared. She thanked God that her prayers had been answered; that Katie and Jim were safe; that her daughter's colleagues were safe as well…that they had all made it home without so much as a scratch. She thanked God that she had been given the same chance.

She needed to heal, she needed to let go in some ways so that she could move forward…be reborn, in a matter of speaking. Johanna inhaled deeply and held the breath, allowing herself to slip below the surface of the water as if she was completing some rite of baptism, remaining there until her lungs burned with the need of air. She broke the surface of the water with a gasp, sucking air back into her lungs as she pushed her wet hair out of her face. It probably wasn't the same as it was when the priest had poured holy water over her head when she had been an infant…but it quenched the need and she sent up another prayer of thanks for allowing her to see this day. Somehow, through the darkness of these years, she had kept her faith. Perhaps her mother wouldn't be as ashamed of her as she had thought…and maybe there was more of Naomi McKenzie's quiet faith instilled in her than she had known.

There was so much relief to be felt, so many overwhelming feelings to be sorted through and processed and she allowed herself to work through all of those little emotions as she closed her eyes and listened to the quietness that she usually shunned in favor of background noise. Time slipped by without notice; the raindrops outside the window slowing and then ceasing, the sun slipping out from beneath the blanket of clouds but it all went unnoticed as she continued to lounge and allow her thoughts to roam.

The water began to cool and Johanna shivered as she reached for the handle of the faucet, adding more hot water, bringing her bath back to a more comfortable temperature. The pads of her fingers were beginning to wrinkle from being in the water so long and she thought to herself that it was probably time to get out. She should return to her place in bed beside Jim before he missed her. She glanced up at the small shelves that were set into the corner of the wall at the tub's edge, figuring that she'd have to use Jim's soap this time as Kate hadn't tossed hers into the overnight bag she had brought her. But then her eyes caught sight of a new bottle of her strawberry shower gel sitting on the shelf, a silver gift bow stuck to the front of it and a new pink bath sponge resting beside it.

Johanna reached for the objects with reverence, her vision blurring as she read the words that Jim had written on a loop of the stick on bow. "_Welcome Home_."

"Home," she whispered, a quiet sob rocking her body as hot tears finally broke free and spilled down her cheeks. She had made it home. She felt a small measure of shame at admitting that she had just about given up hope of attaining that goal…but glancing at the items in her hands she realized that even in her darkest hour, Jim hadn't given up hope. He hadn't given up on _her_. Her heart swelled with love for the man who had always been her rock, her knight in shining armor…the man who was under her skin and in her veins, in every beat of her heart, every breath she took, making her strive and survive, fight and conquer…the one person in this world who always seemed to love her no matter what.

She sniffed and pulled herself together; dropping the sponge into the water so that she'd have a hand free to wipe the tears from her cheeks. She really was a mess if she was crying over a bottle of soap…but really it wasn't the every day objects she shed tears for, it was the symbol of what they stood for. They were a symbol of home, of normalcy, a life reclaimed. Johanna opened the cap and brought the bottle to her nose, breathing in the scent she had been using for most of her life. Somehow it smelled even sweeter that morning. She retrieved her sponge and poured some of the shower gel on it and vigorously attacked her skin; that need to clean away 13 years of grime coming back to the surface as she scrubbed.

It wasn't until she noticed that she was rubbing her skin red that she pulled back and rinsed away the suds. Johanna allowed the sponge to slip back into the water and she once again leaned her head back against the tub and closed her eyes. "You're clean," she told herself; or at the very least, she was cleaner than she had felt in a long time now that she wasn't buried under the lies that had kept her alive. She breathed deeply and exhaled slowly, repeating the words in her mind. "You're clean…you're free…you're home."

Feeling the dampness of her hair against her shoulders, she figured that she may as well wash it since it was already wet. Holding her breath, she allowed her gaze to flick back to the shelves, wondering if she'd find her shampoo there…because surely if he had bought the soap he would've gotten the shampoo too, wouldn't he? A smile ghosted across her lips as she caught sight of the tall bottle, it's pinkish red liquid visible through the plastic, the label proclaiming 'Strawberries and Cream'…and another silver bow was stuck to the front of it.

Her throat tightened as she reached for the bottle. "Don't cry," she told herself. Another message was written on the bow. "_I love you_."

"I love you too," she whispered, swallowing back her emotions.

After washing her hair, she pulled the plug, allowing the water to drain out of the tub as she wrapped a towel around herself and grabbed another to wrap her wet hair in. She picked up the articles of clothing she had stripped off and threw them into the hamper with Jim's; the thought coming to mind that she'd need to do laundry before long as she surveyed the contents, some odd measure of happiness at seeing her clothes inside the hamper with his…at the thought of taking over her household once more, doing laundry and cooking meals, keeping house. Mundane, every day tasks to everyone else…even to herself at one point in time and now she couldn't wait to get back into the scheme of things, taking care of her husband and their home.

Johanna dried off and dressed, donning the nightgown that Kate had brought her as she couldn't bring herself to even consider pulling on a pair of jeans and a blouse. She just wanted to be lazy today, she just wanted to lay around in comfort, cuddled up with her husband, soaking up the knowledge that she didn't have to leave this house ever again if she didn't want to…and while she knew she would eventually have to rejoin the outside world at some point, she didn't want to do it anytime soon. She then began to towel dry her hair, frowning at the thought of going back to bed with her hair damp. If there was one thing she hated, it was for her hair to be wet for too long.

Her gaze darted to the drawer of the sink cabinet that had always been hers. She wondered if she'd find her old hairdryer in there, her hand hesitating as she reached for the handle. She prepared herself for the sight of an empty drawer and pulled it open, only for her eyes to be greeted with the sight of all the things that Jim had apparently been buying in anticipation of her homecoming; there was a new brush and comb, a new toothbrush, her razors and deodorant, makeup remover, nail polish remover, fingernail files, bobby pins and ponytail holders. There were new tubes of her lotions, mascara and lipstick, a new compact, eye shadow…all in the correct colors, she noted as she dug through the items. She suppressed a quiet laugh, wishing she could've seen him shopping for her makeup and toiletries. She wasn't even sure how he had known exactly what brands and colors to get until she remembered that her makeup bag had looked rummaged through a few times. She had thought that Kate had gone through it to borrow something and she had never bothered to question her about it…but now it appeared that the culprit was her husband. He must've taken excellent notes when she wasn't looking.

He had everything she could need well stocked, but she frowned as she realized that she hadn't found a hairdryer yet. She pulled open another drawer, finding Jim's belongings as she had expected, and then opened the door to the space under the sink. There in a box with a silver bow on it was a new hairdryer. The smile returned to her lips as she pulled out the box, he had selected wisely, she mused, seeing that it had a retractable cord and had come with styling tools. Johanna turned her attention to the bow, searching for another message and was rewarded with the words "_For you Sweetheart_."

"Sweetheart," the one word that could caress her soul with the same power as the words 'I love you'. She closed her eyes, allowed it all to wash over her and soothe her soul and then she opened the box and took out her hairdryer and plugged it in, hoping that it wouldn't wake Jim as she dried her hair.

When the hairdryer had been put away and she laid aside her new hairbrush, Johanna breathed deeply and looked into the mirror. She felt more like herself now; the tension had ebbed away, leaving her body relaxed and her head void of the dull ache that she had woke up with. She felt a sense of peace…she felt cleansed. She brushed back an errant strand of hair and smiled slightly. It was time to return to her husband…and show him how much she loved him and thanked him for never giving up on her. She had promises to keep, and there was no better time than the present to start keeping them.


End file.
